Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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