I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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