Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
