He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
