I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
