He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
