and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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