just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
