Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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