Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
