This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
