I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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