Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
