I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
