the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
