I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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