Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
