I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
