I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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