I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
