I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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