one two three fourrrrnication!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
