literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
