who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
