He uses pillows to masturbate.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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