Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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