my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
there is glitter all over my balls
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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