yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
