Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
