waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
