So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
