So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
