I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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