put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
