hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
