but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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