if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
