I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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