I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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