i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
