He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
