dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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