It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
