I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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