You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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