you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
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Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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