I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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