I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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