But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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