You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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