Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
