What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
