Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
