I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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