actually, I'm a sock model
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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