i was born a porn star she said
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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