I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
